


The Cons of Catcalling

by ohmytheon



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Gen, Mama Hawk, Protectiveness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-03
Updated: 2017-05-03
Packaged: 2018-10-27 15:52:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10812141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohmytheon/pseuds/ohmytheon
Summary: A group of guys start harassing Lieutenant Hawkeye. Unfortunately for them, Ed is bored and doesn't tolerate anyone talking to Hawkeye like that.





	The Cons of Catcalling

For once, there were no bad guys to hunt down or leads on the Philosopher’s Stone to chase or…anything really. Ed couldn’t remember the last time he was so bored, but there was absolutely nothing to do. Even when he’d slunk to Eastern HQ, bugging Mustang hadn’t even been that fun. He had been enjoying the downtime too much to let anything Ed said or did get to him.

All the smug bastard had done was wave a hand at the window behind him and say, “It’s a beautiful day outside, Fullmetal. You should enjoy it.” Well, Ed didn’t want to enjoy the day if it was the closest thing to an order that Mustang had managed to give him today.

Instead, he sulked with his hands in his pockets, his shoulders hunched, and his head hanging low as he and Alphonse walked around East City. Al had thought this would be a good time to load up on their supplies, which didn’t amount to much since they only had to account for Ed, but it was the only thing either one of them could think to do.

Besides, at least Al was enjoying the day, despite the fact that he couldn’t feel the warmth of the sun or take in the smells of the food stands in the market. He liked the craft stands, even if they were stuff that Ed could make half asleep with his alchemy. Ed wasn’t going to deprive Al of any happiness that he could find these days, but it didn’t mean that he was going to be happy about it. Then again, he was happiest when he was in a fight using alchemy or hunting a promising lead for the Philosopher’s Stone, so a peaceful day like this did very little for him.

What would really be nice was if he could find someone that was causing trouble, but no, apparently everyone had it in their minds to be good and cheerful today.

“Oh, look, Brother, there’s Lieutenant Hawkeye!” Al pointed out.

Sure enough, when Ed looked up, he spotted the Lieutenant through the stands also walking in the market. He quickly swiveled his head around to find the dreaded Colonel, seeing as how the man usually showed up wherever Hawkeye was, but it appeared as if the man wasn’t in sight. On second glance, Ed noticed that she wasn’t in her military uniform; instead she was wearing a modest skirt and blouse. Which meant she was off duty. And Mustang wouldn’t be around.

“She’s grocery shopping,” Al added.

Hawkeye had a basket filled with fruits and vegetables slung over one arm while she held the end of a leash in her other hand. That must’ve been her puppy, Black Hayate. Her hair was down instead of in its customary clip that she always wore, which made him realize that it had been years since he’d seen her with her hair down, not since she’d been growing it out and it was too short to put up. There was even a slight smile on her face as she spoke with one of the food vendors.

Ed squinted. She looked so… _normal_. So un-Hawkeye-like. Was she even carrying a gun? He couldn’t remember a time when he hadn’t seen her carrying, just in case. If he hadn’t known her, he would’ve thought she was just any other civilian, a woman shopping for her family maybe. But he’d seen what she was like on the field and it was kind of terrifying. Seeing her doing something as simple as grocery shopping was disconcerting.

“We shouldn’t bother her on her day off,” Ed grumbled, fully prepared to walk the other way to avoid her. Not that he had anything against her or anything – no, he liked Hawkeye, just not her boss – but he didn’t want to look like some kid that was just whittling the day away doing nothing.

And then he heard it – the whistling.

At first, Ed ignored the sound. He didn’t care about who was whistling or what they were whistling for. It was probably just to get the attention of a dog or kid. The noise blended into the background with the rest of the crowd. But then he heard it again and it really was annoying. He looked around again until he spotted a group of guys leaning against a wall. They were older than him, probably around Hawkeye’s age if he had to guess. When he followed their gaze, he was startled to find that the focus of their attention was actually Hawkeye herself.

Were those guys…were they whistling at her?

Hawkeye either didn’t notice them or didn’t care. There was no way she hadn’t heard the whistles. She kept her back to them as she paid for her things and then began to walk out of the market. Ed stayed in his spot, watching her step onto the sidewalk, until he noticed the change in the guys’ attitudes. They nudged one another almost playfully and began to _follow_ her.

Oh, hell no.

“Brother?” Al queried when Ed started to stomp in that direction. He heard his little brother let out a metallic sigh and then follow him as he pushed his way through the crowd.

When he rounded the corner, he couldn’t believe his eyes. There was Hawkeye, walking with her groceries and puppy, seemingly oblivious to the jeers from the men behind her. It was like she didn’t even notice them. But how could she not? They were impossible to ignore. Every word they called at her grated on his nerves and somehow they managed to get worse. Ed’s mouth dropped when he heard one of them call her… Did that asshole just call her “sugar tits”? Ed saw red.

“Oy, you!” Ed shouted. “Leave her alone!”

The guys stopped and rounded on him, all of them wearing the same shit-eating grins that Ed was fully prepared to wipe right off. A few of them nudged each other again and began to laugh. Hawkeye finally stopped as well, turning around to face the scene and wearing a surprised look on her face, like the whole thing was news to her.

“Aw, look at this kid!” one guy chuckled.

“Did we upset you, little boy?” another asked, very obviously not caring if they did.

The first guy waved a hand to Hawkeye. “Oh, is this your mommy? She’s some pretty hot stuff.”

Ed scowled and pointed a finger at them. “That’s Lieutenant to you idiots.”

At this realization, the guys howled with more laughter, like it was some sort of joke. Ed didn’t think it was funny at all. He was fairly certain that Hawkeye could blow the kneecaps off of all these guys if she was so inclined, but she still wore an expression that was half surprised and half passive.

“I like a woman in uniform!” a third guy chimed in. “They’re so fiesty.”

That was it. He couldn’t take it anymore. Ed swelled up with unspent rage. These fools picked the wrong day to catcall a woman because he was looking for a reason to fight. “You’ve got two options: apologize for your behavior and leave or I kick your asses.”

“Oh ho! Looks like we’ve got a vigilante on our hands.”

“I’m so afraid! What are you going to do? Cry? Stomp on our feet?”

A wicked grin slid onto Ed’s face, the kind of grin that made Al sigh again and edge away warily. He knew very well what happened whenever Ed got that look about him. It was a look that promised danger and should’ve had all the guys on alert, if they hadn’t been too busy being jackoffs.  Well that was fine by him. The less they thought of him, the more fun it would be when he trounced them. Besides, he had to get back at them for calling him short. There was no hope left for them. Even Hawkeye wore an air of pity.

Clapping his hands together, he pressed one hand against his automail arm and used his alchemy to turn the top of it into a large, sharp blade. The laughter immediately died as they gawked at the new development.

“Option number two then,” Ed said in a darkly pleased tone. “Good. I was bored.”

By the time he was finished with them, all five guys were running away screaming. One was openly crying. Ed chased after them half-heartedly, knowing that he couldn’t do any real damage to them. After all, they weren’t alchemists, only civilians who thought they were entitled to treat a lady with disrespect. That was just something he could not abide, especially if the lady in question was Lieutenant Hawkeye. When he trotted back to Hawkeye and Al, he smiled happily and waved.

“Sorry about that, Lieutenant,” Ed sighed. “They won’t bother you anymore.”

Hawkeye smiled at him, looking amused, but she inclined  her head. “Thank you, Edward, but you really didn’t have to do that.”

“But did you hear what they were saying to you?” Al exclaimed, positively aghast. “They were incredibly rude!”

“There’s no way we could tolerate anyone talking to you like that,” Ed added.

No guy should talk to a lady like that, but especially not Hawkeye. One because she could do some serious damage to them and two because he and Al would do some serious damage. He thought for a moment. Three because Mustang probably would’ve blown a gasket if he had been around to hear any of what had been said to her. That man was oddly protective and maybe even a little possessive of his adjutant.

“Do you have any other errands to run, Lieutenant?” Al asked.

“Just the bank and then home.”

Ed nodded his head. “We’ll go with you, just to make sure those guys don’t come back around.”

“I don’t want to interrupt your day off,” Hawkeye told them. At her feet, Black Hayate yipped cheerfully, as if he was excited about the prospect of more people to pet him.

“It’s okay,” Ed said dismissively. “We weren’t doing anything anyways. Right, Al?”

“Nothing we can’t do later,” Al agreed. “We’d just rather make sure that you’re safe.”

Hawkeye smiled at them, perhaps a little indulgent, but then nodded her head. A pleased feeling worked its way through Ed’s chest. He’d about lost his mind when he’d heard those guys catcalling and whistling at Hawkeye. So rude! The nerve of some guys really pissed him off. He knew that Hawkeye could take care of herself, but sometimes it was nice for a person to know that they had someone backing them up. She had defended him before, after all. It only made sense to return the favor.

Besides, no one called Hawkeye “sugar tits” and got away with it.


End file.
